4 min read
PART ONE: NOW
It was May when I started hanging out in the compactor room. The room was down in the basement car park, tucked away in a corner. They kept all the old files down there, alongside a crate of paper towels and garbage bags full of Christmas decorations. The files had the whole history of the shire in them. There was all sorts of crap in there: angry letters, maps, building layouts, old photographs, diagrams.
Over time, I noticed a few of the files had T.F.I.T.H. marked on the cover in biro. I asked my supervisor about it, and he laughed, ‘It means Totally Fucked In The Head. The field inspectors used to do that. They had to warn the next guy. You should have that on your name badge.’
This was a while back, after the fourth of July, back when everyone was still really angry with me. These days the files just sit there and I try to ignore them.
PART TWO: BACK WHEN
The office party ran late, and I got a lot drunker than I’d have liked. I hid in my car, on the backseat under a picnic blanket. I was just nodding off when my phone buzzed.
My supervisor. ‘Janet, where are you?’
‘Having a smoke,’ I said.
‘We need ice. Can you go get it?’
‘Okay.’
The service station was up a few blocks. When I got back, they all cheered for the ice and ignored me as I stood there with the side of my dress soaked through. I went to the bathroom to dry off and In the mirror, I noted I was I still the office hag, a total wreck. I thought about heading back down to the car, but decided against it. Instead, I took the liner from the bin and tied it around the smoke alarm and had a nice little cigarette there in the wheelchair bathroom. It was going pretty well too, maybe the best part of the day, when I got another call from my supervisor.
‘Janet, where are you? You’re going to miss the fireworks. What the hell?’
They were all by the window looking out, all lined up and coupled off. When the show started, they all cooed. I could see their faces, coloured by the light, reflected at me in the glass.
When it was done, my boss turned around and said, ‘Pretty great, huh?’
‘I hated it at first,’ I told him, ‘but…’ and they all started turning around. ‘Then it made me think about how it almost looked like a war, like on the news. It was like something terrible was happening and you were all so happy to see it. Like the world was ending, and we were all going to die together. Imagine how great that would have been, if we’d all died? I was thinking about that and then suddenly it was really beautiful to me.’
END
If you enjoyed this story, I think the book of mine closest to this is What Living and Dying Is Like, which is available in paperback and digital here:
https://iainryan.myshopify.com/collections/all
In fact, all my stuff is currently available (for cheap) on my site.
— IAIN
PS: Read my public-facing thoughts Twitter (and Threads) and see how I live my life on Instagram.
PPS: This newsletter is brought to you by The Complete Matrix Tapes by The Velvet Underground
PPPS: Buy my books direct here.